Update from Tracie

Well, we tried.

Folks, either there's a piece of the puzzle that too many doctors have missed, or I'm the most unlucky person alive. We've officially lost pregnancy #8.
This one hurts. This one stings. This one has kicked us in the ass. Twice, and then some.
While there's a little comfort in knowing I worked my BUTT off to get/stay pregnant, that same fact stings hard. I was on so many meds. I did acupunture several times a week to get ready. I dieted, I skipped anything "bad" for you, good lord, I even (pretty much) quit my beloved wine, in the most stressful point of my LIFE. We packed up our lives and went thousands of miles away to make these babies.

We tried.

But it just wasn't our time.

We don't know what our next move is. My heart hurts so very much, but the pain of never having more kids overwelms the current pain of loosing them. I NEED a good doctor, one willing to hunt and search and never stop until we know for sure if I'm broken, or ridden with bad luck.
I will mother others. I just don't know how.
For the millionth time, I recognize how incredible my daughter is, and how blessed we are to have her. I have a husband who's willing to jump thru these hoops with me, and pick me up when I'm crumbled hysterically in the corner. For that I am lucky.

A friend in my "online mom's group" wrote some pretty poignant words a while back. Robin graciously allowed me to share her personal thoughts here, and in my times of "woe is me" and my moments of "someone shoot me now"... they've brought me comfort.

I am strong.
I guess.

From Robin:
___________________
My full thoughts on going through Infertility (aka "IF")......


I wish someone had told me that IF could change you, and it can be a change for the better. We all know it make us sad, frustrated, angry and bitter. I am still sometimes all of those things, but impossible to see, until many months after my son was born. Once I got past amazement that he was ours, that IVF did work (the second time) that I didn't miscarry or any of the other million things that terrified me the entire 39weeks and 1 day I was pregnant, I was able to get a glimpse of another reality. IF made me a better person.

Imagine that? In a few ways, too.
I never thought I was that determined, until I tried to get pregnant, with a doctor, for 27 months.

I never thought I was that bold, until I had to demand good care.

I never knew I had such tenacity, until our 9th IUI

I never thought I was that sensitive, until I sobbed and sobbed when I found out I had blocked tubes on top of diabetes, PCOS, AMA and hypothyroid.

I never thought I was brave, until I had to give myself upwards of 100 shots, in spite of a fear of needles.

I never thought I was strong, until the day I realized IVF#1 did not work, and we had to do it again.

I never thought I was compassionate, until I started to care for a message board full of women like they were my best friends.

I have been changed for the better and I like who I am, very much. I am a strong, bold and compassionate person, and I am not sure I would have become this person, this Mother to Ethan, if I hadn't followed this path. If I had one wish, of course, I would make it that I didn't have to do it, but since we know that isn't how it works, I appreciate what it taught me about myself. If I had one wish now, I would wish none of you had to go through this, I would wish no one ever had to 'learn' from IF, because as lessons go, it sucks. It isn't fair. But for me, since going through it was a necessary evil, I learned things I am not sure I would ever have known.
I pray that everyone will come out on the other side, with the family they dream of, in whatever way it takes. You are always in my thoughts.