Christa

So many things consuming my mind, what if it doesn’t work, what if I get sick, what if this isn’t the best decision for our family, what if, what if, what if.

I can’t believe it’s come to this.  IVF.  Our final option.

  After our precious Ella, we decided to try for another about 6 months after she was born.  I weaned her off the breast (one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever had to make) and got pregnant that first month of trying.  It was another miracle!  Our 10% chance was happening again.  No medical intervention at all.  

I knew in my heart it was over before it began.  While my betas were good and doubled, the first time I saw the baby measuring a few days behind on the u/s I cried.  The u/s tech said “don’t worry, they can run a few days off at first, maybe you just miscalculated your dates” (I know my dates like the back of my hand).  The midwife said the same thing.  Over and over again, repeated u/s’s saying that the baby was measuring small. At 6.5 weeks, there was only a small flutter.  After a week of waiting,  we finally went in for an u/s at the hospital and at 8 weeks pregnant, the baby was measuring 6w3d with no heartbeat.  Whatever heartbeat was there in the first place was gone. We were made to wait another week just in case.  The follow up u/s showed no growth, but my uterus was still growing.  Missed miscarriage.  D&E was scheduled.  There were some of the most exhausting days of my life to follow.

We took a couple months off to enjoy the summer and Ella figuring if we could get pregnant on our own again, it would happen with time.  This was last April.  After 5 rounds of Clomid and 2 IUI’s we still aren’t pregnant and my endo is back full force.  I have stage IV endo.  No surgeon dares to go back in fearing they will just create even more scar tissue.  I’ve already had 3 laps, there isn’t much more they can do at this point anyhow.

IVF is the only option left for me.  Nothing is making it through my tubes at this point and I’m not even sure if I can ovulate without assistance anymore.  With all these things going through my mind, all these “what if’s”, I know through it all that I have the love and support of my family and friends to hit the purchase button and buy my ticket.

 I’m going to Central America.  To get the best souvenir ever.  A baby.