Christa
Fertility has most certainly affected every single one of my relationships in everyday life. I’m not sure that I’ve actually lost friends over it, but I have kept myself at a distance from some who may not say the right thing.
One instance, for example, when we lost our second baby, we found ourselves having to “untell” people that we were pregnant. We will never tell people early again for this very reason. We got a lot of well wishes and “I’m sorry for your loss” messages which were nice, but we also experienced certain people who would tell us “it was God’s way of telling us it wasn’t meant to be”. That’s about the last thing you want to hear when you lose a baby. That YOUR baby wasn’t “meant to be”. And to even bring God into it is ridiculous. I can remember one person distinctly telling me this even after I told her it bothered me. We are still friends, but I don’t disclose as much anymore.
My “mommies group” I belong to has given undying support in my times of need. They are going through the same sort of thing that I am and I think that really helps. I’ve made so many friends through this group and sometimes I think they are why I can get through the day. And I have to say, if it weren't for this "mommies group", Tracie and I wouldn't be going on this trip and for that I'm eternally grateful.
Going through infertility, I’ve heard comments like “have you thought about adopting?” or “how about a surrogate?” I politely decline, but really want to say something like “my condition doesn’t even require a surrogate and it’s even more costly than the IVF we’re about to do.” Or “would you give up your dream of having a biological child if that’s what you wanted the most”. And, again, adoption is more costly than infertility treatments most times. Maybe they think what they are saying is absolutely innocent, but if you sit back and listen to what you are asking, it’s sometimes insulting.
My family has always been there for me. They may not know exactly what it is they should say, so they mostly stay quiet, but I know they are there for me if I need to cry or pout about a failed cycle or how unfair it is that the 15 year old girl 2 streets down is pregnant with her second. My mom has been there for me through all the surgeries, letdowns, horrible doctors appointments and everything else. So I think infertility has STRENGTHENED our relationship. What I think is great about that is the fact that she was VERY fertile, so she had to reach to the other side of the spectrum and make sure she didn’t say anything to offend me.
Let me finish off saying something about my rock in all of this. I think infertility has brought my husband and I closer together. Experiencing infertility in a relationship can be very challenging, but you see just how strong your relationship is and just how much it can be put to the test. Adam has sat next to me time and time again, obnoxiously testing WAY too early to see if there was a hint of HcG in my blood. He never said a word, because he knew it was my way of coping with all of it. He has listened through all the tears about my friends getting pregnant and me not.
Now, I’m not saying we don’t fight about other things in our lives, but this is one thing we’ve come closer together because of. We support each other and I think it helps to know that at least there is one consistent reprieve at the end of the day.Adam made no hint of resistance about this trip. He was all for it if it meant getting another baby out of it. And while this trip has the chance of being unsuccessful, I know that Adam and I will make it through and keep trying. Infertility has at least made our relationship more stable.
Tracie
How has it NOT? I can't think of one relationship that it's not touched, in some way, shape or form. I have friends that I am closer to, because they've delt with this crap themselves. Those are the best kind of friends in my world right now. They get the frustration. The understand the heartache and disappointment. They know that sometimes they just need to STFU and listen, and nod their head, and agree that yes, this does suck, in just the increments.
Then there are family members that have no idea what to do. It's not like you want to sit around and talk about your sex life with your parents (or heck, maybe you do, whatever) and because most of this is so very personal, I think in my case, much goes unsaid. And how can someone "be there" for you if they don't know what's going on? How?
Sometimes I feel like I'm a huge big fat disappointment to my parents. I waited too long to start having kids, lost a bunch of their grandkids along the way, and here I sit. Broken. They don't get how financially stressful this is. The don't get the physical pain of stims. They don't get "BFN's" because they never had to deal with them. Siblings? Mine don't have a clue. I don't so much mind that, we're spaced so far apart I'm not sure support from them would be an option. My SIL knows and "gets" this a bit, because she's had another friend deal with it, so that's nice. Davez's sister/SIL are very supportive as well. But by no fault of their own, they don't "get it get it", know what I mean?
I think the biggest impact Infertility has had on my relationships has been with my "BFF's from growing up." There are two friends I've had since I was a tween. We've been friends for a 1,000 years. But now we don't even know eachother. We're all in different places in our lives. In my eyes, they stopped caring about what was going on with me. Perhaps they don't get it, perhaps they don't WANT to. And I'm sure that sounds like a whole 'lotta Me. Me. Me. but when an "issue" (what is this?) is what your life REVOLVES around, it becomes a PART of who you are. No longer do I care about calling boys from the payphone in the Pizza Hut parking lot. I care about how what my follie check will be next Tuesday. That's both hard to explain, and hard to know how to be friends to. I don't blame them, or hate them for "not caring." But I wish they would. At least on SOME level. That's been the hardest part of Infertility on my relationships.
Add the biggest love in my life... my husband. What has this done to me & Davez?
I do not know. Sometimes I feel like we're just going through the motions. Sometimes he's my roommate and I can't stand him and his dirty socks. Sometimes he's the only friend I have in this world. Sometimes I think he has NO CLUE how hard this is. Sometimes he hurts more than I do, and I might have missed his signs. He's subtle like that. He's German. I'm sure he wishes as hard as I do that we didn't have to deal with this. And often I wonder how in the HELL I would get through any of this without him.
I carry a great deal of guilt for the issues I've brought to growing our family. Guilt that's manifested itself into my thighs and waistline. Guilt that's made my scalp gross, my moods bitchy, and my temper short. And here he sits. Waiting for me to tell him the next move. Sometimes when I'm mad at my roommate for his stinky socks I think of this.
And then I fall even more in love with that roommate, and said stinky socks. Although he's got some morphology issues that may have contributed to our woes, it is with his strength that we've gotten through this crap. Put another tick mark under "saved me" for my Davez. If we can get through this part, we're golden....
If you have delt with infertility, and feel comfortable writing about how it's affected your relationship, we'd love to hear from you. One of many reasons we're doing this blog is not only to educate and guide people on the "IVF Vacation" process, but perhaps to help the friends & family with the intimate feelings of someone who's going through this as well. We'd love to hear from you in the comments below, or feel free to email us your thoughts, which we can certainly post without names/info.
Thank you!
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